Thursday, February 6, 2014

Life decisions...

So many people have asked Luke and I if we are going to have a sibling for Ford... This question always makes my heart beat fast, makes my throat start to close and makes me nauseas. Not because I don't want one, but exactly the opposite. 

For the last year-- yeah, it took a while to get baby fever after Ford-- I have wanted nothing more than to get pregnant again and have a second baby. As I see everyone around my posting pregnancy and birth announcements, I always get envious and think about what it would feel like to be doing the same thing. I am so great full to be surrounded by such wonderful women, who are so blessed to create such amazing life as all the kids I know are all truly amazing in their own ways. -- you can really see God's work in these kids-- But it hurts my heart to not have the commonality between the other women I know, a commonality I will probably NEVER have. 

I will most likely never be able to compare pregnancies and births, growth rates and firsts between my children because I have come to terms with only having Ford. I would not change him for anything in this world -- as he giggles next to me trying to "eat" Daddy-- He has been and always will be my #1 and will probably remain MY ONLY... It seems so final putting it in words, not that we couldn't decide to try in the future but the truth is.........

I'm being as unselfish as I can be by making this decision. Yes, I am making this decision so that I do not have to postpone school, so that I can get MY degree(s) -- hopefully a masters or PhD in the long future-- BUT these reasons are also completely for Ford, to give him stability, security, freedom, to give him the time he deserves and the attention that all kids long for from their parents. I want to be able to provide for him, the things that I did not have, to do the activities he wants and yearns for, I want Ford to be able to grow up knowing that his parents worked hard, even after he was born, to become people who were part of society, made a difference and so can he, that he has the power to change the world in anyway that he chooses too. I want him to know that with ambition you can do anything. 

Having kids should not kill your dreams, but fuel them. You should want to create a better life than you could have ever gained for your child. That starts with being a joyful and happy person (yes, those are two different things)... I have not been happy, I have been missing something, I have been missing a piece of me and that was being an individual, not just a mom and wife, but being Amanda. I am learning who I am now and what I want out of life....

Do I want another baby YES, would it ruin my plans, NO... Which is funny because it seems like an oxymoron from what I have said above. I believe that everyone can adapt and overcome... Situationally things get stressful but you can always make it through. However, I know it would postpone our plans of school (both Luke and I) for a while and then slow down the process, which with me going into nursing I cannot take time off, I cannot only take a class or two, it is a pre established two year program, followed by another predetermined two years of classes for my bachelors degree. 

NO, I WILL NOT HAVE KIDS 10 YEARS APART! Thanks for asking.... It makes my blood boil when people act like this is not a HUGE deal. It is! You are going back to square one with a 5th (ish) grader... I do not want to be in my THIRTIES having a child (sorry ladies who are older than me, you are stronger than I) ... I think it is unfair and irrational on so many levels! It would be like raising two only children, no matter what you say, I will NOT be swayed on this topic... It is MY OPINION! 

Did we try? --- yup, we did in the sense that IF it had (yes, past tense) happened we would have been happy... I cried almost everyday for a week after all of the Christmas announcements because so many people I know are expecting and I felt like I should be able to have the same  happiness in my life too.... But then I realized, maybe God could only give us one because Ford is too special... Maybe he is all I will ever need! 

The last few weeks I have been able to pull out and go through all his old clothing, decided what we are keeping and what can be sold -- So if you're having a boy, let me know! -- without many (just a few) tears. 

I'm hoping slowly, I will come to terms with the fact that I will never be pregnant again, I will never to endure labor again or have sleepless nights. Most would be like SIGN ME UP, but unless you are already a parent -- especially a mother-- you do not understand that sacrifices like not having your body to yourself for ten months, not sleeping and not having alone time, are THE MOST REWARDING THINGS YOU WILL EVER HAVE IN LIFE! There is nothing like being a mom, NOTHING! 

Now I just need to come to terms that while everyone else is baby shopping and will have stories, milestone updates and sibling love, we will not.